Trials of management

FROM: Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 4th DECEMBER RE: Christmas Party

I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols… please feel free to sing along.

And don’t be surprised if the Managing Director shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00 p.m. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over £10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone’s pockets.

This gathering is only for employees! The Managing Director will make a special announcement at the Party.

Merry Christmas to you and your Family

Patricia

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FROM: Patricia Harris, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 5th December RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.

We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we’re calling it our ‘Holiday Party.’

The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians.

There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung.

We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Patricia

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FROM; Patricia Harris, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE : 6th December

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table…you didn’t sign your name.

I’m happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, “AA Only,” you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore!!!! How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the Union Officials feel that £10.00 is too much money and Management believe £10.00 is a little cheap.

NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Patricia

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FROM: Patricia Harris, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 7th December RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party!

Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees’ beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party – or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets,

Gays are allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table.

Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men’s table, too.

To the person asking permission to cross dress – no cross dressing allowed. And No, no blow-up sheep.

We will have booster seats for short people.

Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food. We suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first.

There will be fresh fruits as dessert for diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply “No Sugar” desserts.

Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!

Patricia

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FROM: Patricia Harris, Human Resources Director

TO: All F***** G Employees DATE: 8 December

RE: The F*****g Holiday Party.

Vegetarian pricks I’ve had it with you people!!!

We’re going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the “grill of death”, as you so quaintly put it.

You’ll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes, but you know tomatoes have feelings, too.

They scream when you slice them.

I’ve heard them scream.

I’m hearing them scream right NOW!!

Hope you all have a rotten holiday * drink, drive, and die!

The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FROM: John Bishop – Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: 12th December

RE: Patricia Harris and Holiday Party

I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patricia a speedy recovery, and I’ll continue to forward your cards to her.

In the meantime, Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.

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5 Responses to “Trials of management”

  1. Grannymar Says:

    I had my new feather boa & killer heels all ready for the off! 😦

  2. Rummuser Says:

    It is a measure of the times that we live in and the need for being correct that such jokes have started doing the rounds. While it is indeed hilarious there is that subtle sense of desperation that things have reached such a state, thanks to left liberalism or am I using wrong terminology?

  3. Maria Says:

    I think that this is very funny and perhaps there is a sense of desperation, but the need for tolerance has long been coming and there is nothing wrong with sensitivity and left wing liberalism. Here in the United States, It has brought us a long way in civil rights.

  4. Magpie11 Says:

    Firm’s or staff parties are so often a disappointment. I reckon that the Management’s final decision was the most useful…

    Certainly, In the U.K. , I blame the mixture of pinko liberal pseudo concern and post colonial guilt…. being pinko is of itself not bad if it means concern for others but the guilt is misplaced.
    I refuse to accept any guilt for what my fore bears may have done…slavery included. It was so often of it’s time. I don’t perceive the Portuguese, Spanish, Germans, Dutch involved in such debates about their Imperial past.

  5. maureen Says:

    Happy New Year ‘Magpie11’,
    I’ve been away from blog reading until now and as one who works in the Human Resources field, I had quite a good chuckle from this post.

    Wishing you and yours a very happy and healthy new year!

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